Juhstin Valentine
by whiskey in a jar
Summary: He was a man who had everything: A ranch, smouldering green eyes, a sexy slow smile and even a wife - Cait. But she'd run out on him two years ago. Now Cait was back and she wanted a certain cowboy in her Christmas stocking. A Mills & Boon parody.


**'Justin Valentine was a man who had everything; a ranch, smoldering green eyes, a sexy, slow smile and even a wife, Cait, but she'd run out on him two years ago. Now Cait was back and all she wanted was a certain cowboy in her Christmas stocking. Cait was going to make this the best Christmas ever! Ok, she might not know one end of a turkey from another but she could learn, couldn't she? She wasn't the spoilt little rich girl she'd been when they'd married. She was going to prove to Justin that she would make the perfect wife... and the perfect mother for his children!'**

* * *

"Hey, watch where you put that darn-tootin' cattle prod!" Came a distant cry from Justin Valentine's father- the 59 year old Raymond Valentine, who had yet to grow a grey hair on his bonce.

"Sorry pops," Justin ran a dirt-caked hand through his golden-blonde hair. "Just got summat on ma mind."

"Lady trouble, eh?" Ray Valentine asked his son, keeping a wary eye on his son's cattle-prod. "This ain't that darn Cait gal is it? I know you're worried 'bout her coming back to town, but it's Christmas, and it would make your momma real pleased if you could just keep the peace."

"But Pops, she's a man-killer. She's strife! She's like a weasel amongst the chickens...a cow amongst a herd of randy bulls! And she's due here this afternoon!" With that, Justin Valentine decidedly placed his cowboy hat on his head, clanked his spurs and thrust his cattle prod into the dry earth.

Hell, what WAS he gonna do?

* * *

Cait Valentine looked up into the clear blue sky and asked herself one question, just one little ole question before she came face to face with that sexy cowboy she'd been dreaming of, each and every night, for the past 2 years -

'Whut the Hell am I gunna wear?' She looked down at herself, at the slender curves of her nekkid body caked with newly dried mud. She couldn't help but notice how mighty fine she looked nekkid...but that would never do with Justin - he was so uppity about nekkidness in public!

She glanced back toward the mud lake and sighed. If only she hadn't stopped on the way to the ranch for a quick roll in the mud, she wouldn't be in such a darn tootin pickle. As she'd frolicked a frisky chipmunk had stolen all her clothing. Of all the blasted luck!

"Darn..." she sighed softly and squelched her way reluctantly back to her truck.

* * *

Well, the moment had arrived. He'd heard her arrive not four minutes ago. There had been quite a kafuffle by the sound of it.

Nothing prepared Justin for the sight that greeted his steely blue eyes when he edged down those old rickety, wooden stairs and entered the living room, holdin' his cattle prod out before him. There, standin' right in the middle of the room was a near nekkid lady- and it was Cait of all people!

"Oh Justin!" Cait, now blushing a fetching shade of scarlet, whipped her dainty hand up to her mouth as he took in her full costume: a selection of green leaves sewn together with bramble. She was a mere tumbleweed away from indecent exposure.

Cait explained it all to him. Mind you, Justin wasn't surprised.

"Lucky ma momma educated me in all the skills that are the mighty fine art of sewin'. And luckily fa me, there happened to be a needle in ma car, and when those darn chipmunks stole ma clothes, ah was able to sew together these leaves and create this masterpiece. Now your momma's just gone to fetch me some ole clothes ta put on instead."

Justin, taking in the fine curves of his lady - _no, not HIS, not anymore_ - managed a faint smile. But hell, he was tempted, and she she'd only been here a mere moment. If she was gonna keep on havin' this effect on him, whut WAS he gonna do?

* * *

Standing before the full length mirror (shaped like a cattle prod) in Justin's spacious, rodeo motif bedroom, Cait glanced down at the clothes she'd been given: a dark flannel button down shirt that reached her knees and a pair of Ray's old stonewash jeans, 10 sizes too big.

With a sigh she had to admit to herself that Macie hadn't yet forgiven her daughter-in-law for running out on her son two years earlier.

_'Who can blame me though?'_ Cait thought, a frown wrinkling her dainty features_. 'After that incident with his damn cattle prod, I had no choice but to get the hell away from here.' _Her slim hand slid down to trace the burn scar across her abdomen._ 'So much for making their love life more exciting. Why had she ever agreed?' _

Cait wearily leaned into the wall and closed her eyes, resting her head against a framed photo of Justin's favorite cattle prod 'Nancy'.

_'Because,'_ Cait thought. _'I love him.'_

* * *

Later on, she found Justin on the porch smokin' his favorite weed by the moonlight and couldn't help but think that he sure did make a pretty picture. His broad shoulders especially tempted her hands; she imagined herself running her fingers down through the open collar of his dusty red shirt and exploring his chest, twining her fingers through that wiry rug of golden brown hair that she'd known so well...and oh so badly wanted to know again...

"Cait? Whut the hell?"

Someone was shaking her. Her eyes snapped open. Justin's bewildered blue gaze met hers. She was standing with her arms out cupping the air, her lips pushed together making smooching noises.

"Oh my..." She flushed prettily, averting her eyes from Justin's gawping gaze. "Joined a drama club whilst I wus away-" She lied quickly. "-just gettin a little practice in..." Feeling like a fool she turned away toward the kitchen and left.

Her heart wept when he didn't follow her...

* * *

The dining room was deadly silent, but for the occasional clatter of a spoon against a bowl or the slurp of Ray Valentine trying to drink his soup without his false teeth in.

All through the dinner, Macie and Cait had been exchanging dirty looks. Cait was downright disgusted that Macie would not let sleeping cows lie, and Macie was still fuming over the fact that Cait had deserted Justin years previously for a small and insignificant accident.

_'What was the darn-tootin' girl's problem?'_ Macie pondered over her last spoonful of spring-fresh manure broth. It had simply been an accident. It wasn't Justin's fault that Cait had moved just as he had attempted to maneuver the cattle prod in a one off saucy threesome.

The dirty looks were not lost on Justin. He knew those looks well, as he frequently received them from his ole buddy Randy Hopkirk- fastest lassoer in all the west. He was quick, he was slick, but unfortunately he was also thick. And he was jealous. Jealous of Justin who was the object of Cody Hart, the young and feisty stable hands', affections.

So many times Justin had assured Randy that he had no interest in Cody, that he was straight as the fencing that enclosed his little ranch. Surely Randy had figured that out for himself after Justin had refused Randy's offer for him to polish his cattle prod. But boy, he'd been tempted to. Tempted to smooth his nylon cloth over the sleek contours of that steely rod...oh yes.

Finally, after another minute had passed, Justin could stand no more. He just had to tell them his long, carefully guarded secret. With a flushed face he spoke up, taking in the shocked faces of his father, his mother and his girl - _no, not his girl any more_…

"Mumma, Pops...Cait, I have something to tell you..." Justin swallowed the anxious knot in his throat and sought the confidence he desperately needed from the cattle-prod resting against his leg. He fondled it reassuringly and drew a deep breath.

"My cattle-prod Bea and I…well, we've been talking it over and, uh, we've decided to get hitched." They gazed at him with blank faced incomprehension for a split second and then there was an eruption of protest all around.

"Whut the Hell?" Ray spluttered, rising from his chair and spitting soup halfway across the room in his haste. "No sonnah mine's gonna be wedded in Holy union to an inanimate object! I don't care if it's smooth and sleek and gleams seductively in the half ligh- uh, anyway that's, uh besides the point!" His face purpled and swelled as he shook one ham-like fist threateningly before him. "Son, you got some explainin' to do!"

"You're darn tootin' right there Ray!" Macie exclaimed, pounding a fist on the table top.

_She looks pricklier than one of old man Boyd's prize winning cacti_, Justin thought, eyeing her uneasily.

Panicked, he turned at last to Cait for support. He'd seen the looks she'd cast at her curling irons from time to time, surely she of all people would understand his infatuation. And besides, it wasn't as though Bea were just any ole cattle-prod…she was special. He'd won her fair and square at the county's annual rodeo championship, beating Buzz 'Bronco' Burnette by 3 glorious seconds.

Cait's features were pale and pinched and her normally clear blue eyes now throbbed with some dangerous emotion. Her lips pressed into a thin line, she refused to meet his gaze.

_Damn, ah muh-st've misconstrued those looks_, Justin concluded sadly.

Justin finally felt a surge of desperation. He was trapped as surely as one of his rodeo calfs under the lasso. 'Whut WAS he gunna do?'

* * *

Out on the porch, his mother washing up and his father smokin' his pipe in the old barn, Justin twitched endlessly. This always happened when he had an adrenaline rush. His left eye would flinch non-stop for a good hour or so.

"Juh-stin?" Cait came up behind him. Gently, she prodded him with something hard. "Here, you forgot this." He turned and saw in her hands a rusty old cattle prod.

Bea.

"Oh, Bea, how could ah have left yuh there?" He took the old cattle prod and tenderly caressed it with his calloused hands. "Thanks Cait..." He mumbled.

"You sure love those cattle-whatsits dontcha, Justi-"

"They're cattle PRODS Cait, and they deserve more respect!"

"Is that why that one is all rusted away?" Justin shifted nervously and his left eye began to twitch at an unstoppable rate.

"Don't presume to know anythin' bout ma cattle prods Cait! You know nothin' bout them-" Justin screeched, a hysterical note in his voice. Cait rested a hand on Justin's shoulder soothingly before sitting next to him.

"But ah do know about your cattle-whats- er, ah mean prods-" Cait paused and watched, more than a little disturbed, as Justin slowly, sensually kissed Bea. "Ah know that they're what screwed us up- and most of all you up. Ah know that it wasn't your fault that...that night. Ah know the cattle prod drove ya to it. And ah know you don't really wanna get hitched to Bea. Ah know that there cattle prod's got ya brain-washed!"

At her words, Justin snapped his head round to look her in the eyes. As his steely grey eyes bore into her sky-blue twinklers, he spoke through gritted teeth;

"Don't ever say such things Cait, or ah won't be responsible for ma actions!" And then he fiercely held up the cattle prod, as if to attack her with it.

Cait, tears welling in her eyes, ran away; ran deep into the darkness of the ranch. He had hurt her so bad. Only a roll in the mud could make her feel better.


End file.
